by Donna Poole
When I open a new jar of Noxzema to wash my face two magical things happen.
First, I’m a little girl again, and I’m with Mom.
Mom smells clean, like soap and Noxzema. She doesn’t wear perfume. Her aprons smell like sunshine and fresh air because she hangs them outside to dry, even in the winter. Mom’s not much of a hugger, so when I stand on tiptoe to reach the clothes pins and take down the laundry, I hug her aprons and pretend she’s inside.
Mom’s a wonderful cook! I love coming home from school and smelling her homemade spaghetti sauce that’s been simmering for hours on the back of the stove, or her fresh yeast donuts spread out on the kitchen table, or butter browning for potato pies. The kitchen smells wonderful, unless Mom has been cooking meat. Dad won’t eat a hamburger or a pork chop that isn’t crispy black!
The house always smells like Pine sol and Pledge. And when she unrolls the damp clothes waiting to be pressed, I like the scent of the steam coming up from the freshly ironed clothes, but Mom looks so hot.
***
Mom is probably the reason I wash my face with Noxzema every morning; she did the same thing, and I really do think of her many mornings. I’d love to go back to that kitchen one more time. It, like everything else, was impressively clean. A college friend joked that Mom hung everything from the ceiling everyday and hosed down the entire place until it was clean enough to eat off the floors.
Mom always wanted everything neat and clean, inside, and out, including her children. She hated sin in all its forms and didn’t want any part of it to touch us. I didn’t agree with Mom on many things, including her definition of what was and wasn’t sin, but looking back, I do see why my rebellious behavior upset her so much.
Someone said, “Sin ruins everything it touches.”
Mom didn’t want sin to ruin me. The Bible says, “Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft,” and I stepped across every line Mom drew in the sand as soon as I could walk. A stranger, observing Mom and me in my growing up years would have doubted love was part of our equation, and yet it was there. I knew it, even in our most furious arguments, and I hope she knew it too.
I last talked to Mom forty-nine years ago this February. She didn’t call often; long distance was expensive. Besides, Mom didn’t always feel comfortable conversing. A stroke five years previously had left her right arm paralyzed, her right leg weak, and her words sometimes elusive. At first, after the stroke, she couldn’t speak at all. Her speech returned, but she felt embarrassed when the right word wouldn’t come.
“How’s John?” Mom asked me on that last call in February of 1974. She knew he’d graduated from Bible college the previous May and was hoping to become a pastor.
“Honestly, Mom, he’s a little discouraged. He hasn’t heard from any churches, and he’s wondering if maybe God isn’t calling him to be a pastor after all.”
“You tell him for me he’s going to be a pastor. I’ve known it ever since he was a little boy.”
I don’t remember what else we talked about. I do remember tears came to my eyes when Mom said those loving, encouraging words.
The stroke changed Mom in many ways. The tough disciplinarian Mom who hadn’t dispensed many hugs was forever gone. A tender, loving Mom took her place.
Mom was right. John became a pastor in July of 1974, but Mom didn’t live to see it happen. A second stroke took her home to heaven in March, a few weeks after she’d called me.
I told you when I open a new jar of Noxzema two magical things happen.
The second thing is a magic carpet takes me from the past to the future.
When I open the jar, I wonder if I’ll live long enough to use it all. Living with refractory cancer isn’t easy, but it has its blessings. It gives gifts, and a realistic grip on the shortness of time is one of them.
We don’t know how much time we have left to love the people in our lives. Neither do we know what tiny thing might mean the world to them after we’re gone.
I treasure a scrap of paper in Mom’s handwriting.
After Mom’s first stroke I often asked her to try to write to me, but I never got a letter. After Mom died, my sister found a small piece of paper. Mom had tried to start a letter to me. It began with one “D” crossed out. Then she wrote, “Dear Dona.”
Did Mom notice she’d misspelled my name? Or did she just get too tired to continue? Either way, she’d tried. I treasure that scrap of paper, the last communication I have from Mom until she hugs me in heaven.
So now, I look back from the future where my magic carpet has taken me. I try to guess what my kids, in-law kids, and grandkids might remember about me. Yes, I smell like Noxzema. And unlike Mom, I wear perfume. I’ve worn the same kind for many years, a vanilla scent.
I was wearing that vanilla perfume when our son Danny, now forty-five, was a little boy. He hugged me when he came home from school.
“Yum!” he said. “You smell good, like you’ve been cooking!”
That made me laugh. Just what I’d hoped for, that my perfume would make me smell like the kitchen. I’m sure he’s long forgotten that remark, but I remember. I remember too how he and his siblings loved it when I made homemade bread, and they enjoyed eating it warm from the oven when they got home from school. What things will they remember?
I hope my family and friends will remember my love and my hugs. And I hope they’ll remember that I want the same thing for them mom wanted for me, I want them to be clean, to run from sin, because it really does ruin everything it touches.
And then I tumble off the magic carpet and finish washing my face.
“It’s just a jar of Noxzema, Donna,” the towel says as I bury my face in it. “So quit with the remembering and the forecasting already. And get to work. You have a blog to write.”